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Don’t Oversleep

But late-night-party-goers shouldn’t rejoice: researches say that sleeping less than four hours also increases death rates.

I knew there was a reason I lived the life I live. At this rate I am looking to reach 200 years old.

Be Optimistic

Researchers at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn. found that optimistic people had a 50% decreased risk of early death compared with those who leaned more toward pessimism.

Well let’s see, I wake up and look in the mirror and tell myself how sexy I am, that’s optimistic. Add some more years to my life please. Thank you.

Have More Sex

There’s decent evidence that sex helps keep us healthy, and thus increases longevity.

Nothing needs to be said.

Get A Pet

People who own pets, especially dogs, have been shown to be less stressed and require fewer visits to their physicians than non-owners.

I have a couple of pets. I call them G5, Xbox, PSP, and pr0n.

Get A VAP

t’s estimated that about half of the people with heart disease–the No. 1 killer in the U.S.–have normal cholesterol levels, which raises serious doubt as to the ability of traditional cholesterol tests to detect risk.

I am too busy sitting at the computer to eat, therefore I have no cholesterol.

Be Rich

According to the National Center for Health Statistics, 24% of Americans whose family income is less than $20,000 are “limited” by chronic disease, whereas only 6% of people with an income of $75,000 or more have this problem.

Working on it.

Stop Smoking

Middle-aged men who are long-term, heavy smokers face twice the risk of developing more aggressive forms of prostate cancer than men who have never smoked…

Never did, never will.

Chill Out

The lesson here is simple: Try as much as you can to let the unavoidable, everyday stresses roll off your shoulders.

I have no shoulders and therefore nothing can rest on them. Not even stress.

Eat Your Antioxidants

Antioxidants, special substances that are found in foods ranging from cinnamon and cloves to blueberries and artichokes, have the ability to scavenge free radicals, compounds whose unstable chemical nature accelerates the effect of aging on our cells.

Motherly advice that only a fool wouldn’t listen to.

Marry Well

While the phrase “marry well” is typically used to describe people who marry someone rich, we are talking about something entirely different: genetics.

I say marry them young.

Looks like I am good to go till at least age 638.