London tries to terrify the world with Olympic mascot

Why does London want to give the world night terrors? What did we ever do to Great Britain?

The official mascot of the 2012 Olympic Games in London, Wenlock, is one of the creepiest things I’ve ever seen. I think they tried to appeal to us geeks by tech-ing it up, but it just looks like the angry love child of Leela from Futurama and the liquid metal Terminator. I think he’s about to shoot a beam of energy out of that great big evil eye and make me melt like that Nazi guy in Raiders. I keep hoping it will point that eye someplace else, but it follows me wherever I go and I don’t understand what I did to make it so mad!

The story goes, as written by children’s lit author Michael Morpurgo, that Wenlock and his Paralympic mascot brother Mandeville were born from two drops of a batch of liquid metal that was poured to become the last beam used to construct the new Olympic Stadium. Wenlock sports a camera for his lone, cyclops eye, a taxi headlight above his head (for no obvious reason), and the five Olympic rings are around his wrists, worn as friendship bracelets.

As if this wasn’t enough to make all your cutesy/sickening Teletubby/Rainbow Bright nightmares come true, now you can own very your own Wenlock as a plush toy. Or actually, you can’t, because they only made 2,012 of them (get it?) and it’s already sold out. I bet an evil scientist bought them all and anytime now he’ll be sending his little army out to lay waste to us human cows.

This is hardly the first time that Olympic mascots turned out weird. You’d almost think there’s a rule in the Olympic bylaws that state all mascots must be as bizarre as possible. Remember Izzy, that reject from an 80s cartoon that served as mascot for the 1996 Atlanta Olympics? Or those goofy little Friendlies from the Beijing Olympics that looked like anime troll dolls? And don’t even get me started about Munich’s weiner dog

The ball is in your court, Rio. Please give us a decent mascot that’s fun and memorable and won’t make us wet the bed.

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