The stupidest movie premises don’t always turn out the stupidest movies. We’ll get that out of the way from the front. Some of the films on this list are pretty good in spite of the log lines they were dealt. Nevertheless, it doesn’t make them any less outlandish. Give these six a look and see if you agree.
6. Machete Kills
Okay, so the first Machete wasn’t exactly Stanley Kubrick, but it at least had enough of an actual Grindhouse vibe to get us wrapped up in the narrative. Adding Danny Trejo as a leading man after years of playing the heavy was a nice touch, too. Unfortunately, it was just successful enough for this abomination to happen. In Machete Kills, everything that made Planet Terror, Death Proof, and Machete great homage to a forgotten genre of film, is gone. In its place is a disrespectful parody that can’t stop calling attention to what it’s trying to do long enough to entertain. The premise is really stupid, with Machete being saved from certain death by the President of the United States (Carlos Estevez, or Charlie Sheen) and given the mission of basically wiping out every drug cartel in Mexico. It’s like something I would have dreamed up when I was seven years old, and no, that’s not me bragging. That’s me saying that there’s a reason we don’t make films based off the writing and directing of a seven-year-old. It’s moronic.
A virginal teen’s vagina grows teeth and begins making victims out of the worst boys in the worst possible way. In other words, they all have it coming, but teeth!? Thanks for ruining sex forever, Tinseltown. Still, pretty good flick.
This forgotten Jamie Foxx vehicle follows his character, Alvin Sanders, a prawn thief — pretty much like shrimp but only bigger — who goes from goofball hood to noble action hero in the space of two hours. Until this point, Foxx was mostly a goofball comedy actor. This was the beginning attempt at turning him into a tough guy.
3. Die Another Day
It always bothered me how stupid this movie got after a fairly decent opening. It’s always been hard for me to describe all the ways I hate the film, though. Then I stumbled upon this Redditor, who did it perfectly:
The main villain, who was originally the son of a high-ranking North Korean general, is pushed off a cliff by James Bond and we (as in, the audience) are led to believe that he is dead… but in fact, he obtained DNA replacement therapy (involving the transfer of bone marrow, as though human beings could survive such a process) to turn himself into an Englishman. He did this in the span of fourteen months!
“Not only that, but in those same fourteen months, he somehow acquired the identity of an Argentinian orphan, started a diamond conglomerate using that alias, became a world-famous billionaire, and finished construction on a giant space laser orbiting the Earth. And in the end, we learn that it was all so North Korea could invade South Korea.”
See what we mean?
2. Chill Factor
Speed was ridiculous enough, but taking the same basic premise and applying it to a couple of guys in an ice cream truck? Good Lord.
An FBI agent (John Travolta) has his face and voice put on to his archenemy (Nicolas Cage) after putting him into a comatose state. Then, his archenemy wakes up and has the agent’s face and voice put onto his own. Now the two are living each other’s lives. Do I really need to say anything else?
Which of these stupidest movie premises are the worst, and which ones should have made the list? Sound off in our comments section. And for more movie list fun, check out 6 Movies We’d Like To See Again For The First Time.