Can I start this out by saying the lack of “Jesus as a zombie” movies we have around Easter is pretty appalling. To me, making an Easter horror movie would be easy as tits. You just tell the story of Jesus from when he emerged from his three days in the cave as a zombie. Have him bite everyone and rewrite modern (faux) history. Game over. Easter horror movie of the century.
Watch these truly terrifying horror movies
But (and there is always an asshole anytime there is a butt)..
Horror directors seem to take more joy in the idea of a serial killer and or straight up mutant Easter Bunny over my zombie Jesus idea, and thus, we get the five following Easter-themed horror movies. A lot of these suck so watch at your own risk.
First one is a gem, though. A game-changer, as they say.
Night of the Lepus
A.K.A the GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE!
Okay, I immediately take back anything I said about these films sucking. Having the balls to use ACTUAL FOOTAGE OF NORMAL SIZED BUNNIES and pretending they are massive is one of the best-worst things I have ever seen and you need to smoke a J and down a 5th and then watch this film immediately and prepare to laugh to death.
Just look at the godliness of the trailer above. That is cheese. So cheesy, in fact. I cannot even be mad. Also, didn’t zombie Jesus cure all the lepus? Sorry, that is how we say lepers in Boston which is where I reside.
That’s gonna be my Easter gift to all of you. Terrible, timely jokes to go with these terribly timely films.
Pretty sure this movie is just porn for “furries”.
The best f*cking thing about Bunnyman is how it is based on an ACTUAL urban legend. Yes, in Virginia, under a certain, very specific underpass there is a legend that an escaped mental patient dons an Easter Bunny suit and kills people who wander into his terror-tory. Wow, I am on fire today, huh?
So the Bunnyman movie is about the actual Bunnyman legend and all I can say is, if I got killed by a man dressed in a bunny suit it would be apropos considering the below picture is me, drunk as hell in a bunny suit about to go on a killing spree:
Not even kidding.
The Bunnyman Massacre
The suit is surprisingly comfortable.
Yes, of course the above-mentioned movie got a sequel (I actually believe Massacre is part 3, as sad as that is to type) and this one is TOTALLY NOT ABOUT A KILLING SPREE I WENT ON IN THIS SUIT AND GOT AWAY WITH. Again, to reiterate, it is definitely NOT about me in above-shown suit. Complete work of fiction, actually.
Cinematic magic on display.
Did you know if you take words and misspell them they get scary? Me either, but apparently the makers of the above shit film thought that taking the K from “killer” and putting on the last name of Peter Cottontail would make a great horror movie. The inability for me to find an actual trailer of this film proves otherwise. When you can’t find it on YouTube, that is a level of excrement you don’t even want to have to wipe away.
They must have been ingesting both meth and bath salts at exact same time to come to said conclusion that this movie needed to be made.
Now when talking about an Easter horror movie that needed to be made, let’s end this list right…..
Well, at least it has naked ladies in it. That is very religious.
Okay, for titles, this one is spot-on with the wordplay. Well done. Unlike the above-mentioned Kottontail, this movie knows how to use Easter terms and twist them properly into horror titles. If this list were giving out awards based on name alone, Easter Casket would win. Hell, it would win on concept alone. Listen to this magical shit:
Peter Cottontail (an easter bunny puppet, BTW) overhears how the Catholic Church is going to get rid of everything Easter related that wasn’t directly about Jesus (meaning putting Cottontail out of the Easter business). Peter is like: F*ck that noise and goes on a killing spree to ensure he maintains his role as the king of Easter.
Now if Easter themed horror movies get better than that, I don’t know how. That sounds like pure Easter magic to me. And it’s got boobs!
So anyway, with easter just around the corner watch out for zombie Jesus and men who wear easter bunny outfits and carry chainsaws (though I assume you already kinda knew that). Anyway, hoppy Easter and eggs-cuse me for all the bad wordplay in this article.