5 Best Cinematic Portrayals of Santa Claus (for People Who Hate Christmas)

The whole Santa Claus thing has always been really funny to me. We get raised by people who we are led to believe ONLY speak in truths, but once a year we get reminded that a dude who flies the whole planet with presents for GOOD kids is watching us so we better be good. So like, in a way, Santa is Jesus for kids, plus presents. Way better than actual Jesus, by the way. I do believe the wisest kids quickly do the math, smile at their parents, and just milk them until they decide to come clean (like I did) but hell, some kids love being lied to and hold on to that hope for a long time. For those people specifically, we get movies based around Santa Claus quite a bit. Gotta keep them dreamers dreaming, you know? With that very fallacy in mind, here are the five most twisted cinematic representations of Jesus for Kids.

Keep in mind, I am not a kid and don’t like fake icons meant to keep people blindly in  line, so some of these may not link up with what some of your ideal santas may have been, just a warning.

Billy Bob Thornton as Bad Santa

What? He is not playing Santa Claus, he doesn’t count! How about the person who just yelled that shut their Christmas loving mouth! Santa is fake, so people playing him at a mall are just as valid as anyone else pretending to be someone who isn’t real. And on some ‘real shit’ if you don’t think Santa would be a hard drinking, pussy loving madman, you know nothing about men in positions of power.

While it could be argued that Billy Bob is only a mall Santa, so are all Santas, kids. But at least Bad Santa represents a mortal man and flaws many modern men have (hard drinking and hard dinking).

Unconventional, yes, but no less awesome for it.

That Badass Santa who Kicked Ralphie in the Face in A Christmas Story

WHAT??? ANOTHER MALL SANTA, AND ONE THAT IS ONLY IN THE MOVIE FOR TWO MINUTES? WAAAAAAHHHHH! Keep crying, pussies. Santa died with God. Anyway, what I liked about this particular Santa is that he, like all mall Santas, hated his job, clearly did it because he had to, and showed that hatred and wore it openly. Technically, when you see this scene you cannot help but think that the people who made Bad Santa saw it and said:

Hey, let’s make a movie about THAT guy!

But from his condescending HO HO HO to the fact that he kicks a kid in the face whilst telling him there is NO WAY he is getting what he wanted that just felt very true to life for me. And by the way, the Santa and everyone else was kinda right the whole time. Fucking Ralphie did almost totally shoot his fucking eye out.

Just saying.

Santa from A Christmas Horror Story

So if you have not seen A Christmas Horror Story, allow me to give you to slight fill in without spoiling too much. It starts with me explaining Krampus. America has Santa Claus and Germany has Krampus, who is a scary demon that likes to eat kids and drag them away from their homes on Christmas night. Yes, that is REALLY their version of Santa used to keep kids in line (and from what I have heard, it is passed level 9000 effectiveness). In A Christmas Horror Story, Santa and Krampus meet up and have a good old fashioned beat down fight session like the fight scene in They Live. These two beat the green and red snot (get it, Xmas colors) out of each other with hands, hooves, and weapons.

Not only is it a dope take on Santa, but yo, the simple idea of a Santa kicking some serious ass of a demon is kind of enjoyable and not the usual Santa we get on film. I know most of you have not seen this, but hopefully this entry will change that.

The Santi (Term for multiple Santa) from Rare Exports


So let’s say these white haired dudes you THOUGHT were Santa were not really Santa but actually, essentially, an army for the real Santa (who in this movie, is a frozen Krampus). Now imagine him skinny instead of fat, unable to speak, and naked all the time and you get an honest idea of the Santi (my term, by the way) from the Norwegian gem, Rare Exports.

It’s funny. Most people make sure they watch It’s A Wonderful Life or A Christmas Carol around Christmastime, but I always watch Rare Exports, every year for three years running now.

Plus, that ending (I will not spoil here) is nothing short of a genius take on the mall santa, the creepiest of all motherfuckers as explained prior.

Santa from Santa’s Slay

Something beyond magic happens when you hire a monstrous former wrestler (in this case, Goldberg) to play a Santa who wants nothing more than to kill everyone who is “naughty.” It may sound silly but just watch the opening scene above and you cannot help but get sucked in. It knows it’s campy, it knows it is goofy, and it has fun and takes great liberties with that. Plus, just seeing how imposing and intimidating this Santa is can be a trip. I mean, come on, Goldberg. The guy is the size of a bear that ate a fridge whole. And the idea that he kills corrupt or cruel people AKA naughty versus nice is also kind of a fun twist on the Santa trope.

And on some REALLY REAL shit, we all know if Santa were real he would want NOTHING to do with humanity whatsoever. All the kids complaining they got the wrong model of phone, all the 1%ers mad they did not get the Maserati they asked for. I think were the Santa mythos real, Santa’s Slay is genuinely the mental place he would be at by now in his career.

I have worked thanklessly for years and for what? A whole society of spoiled fuycktards?

Well, time to start taking that naughty list a little more seriously, which is just what he does, which makes this a perfect note to end this list on. Merry Christmas and may there be enough alcohol to get you through this Christmas without killing anyone else or yourself.

Suicide rates do hike this season, and with good reason. Bah humbug.


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