Christmas is a wonderful time of year for some people. They gather around the tree with their family and talk about what a great year they had while exchanging presents and singing songs and chugging nog. Everyone is all happy and glowing and the world is pulsating with love. Unless you are one of those lonely geeks who spends most of their time alone and is fully aware your family sucks and do not understand you in the least. For people like you, natch, US, there are troves of Christmas themed movies out there that we can watch and pretend we have a normal life and aren’t dying of forever alone.
From one geek to another, here are the best Christmas themed movies to watch over the next few weeks while you wait for this horrible Pagan holiday disguised as a Christian holiday to end.
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
I think there is a little Clark Griswold in all of us. That guy who just tries and tries to make everyone happy, but always puts himself last (and still never manages to please those around him). In many ways, Christmas Vacation is the anti-Christmas movie that shows you just how much of a fucking train wreck Christmas and family always are every year.
Plus, it has Eileen from Seinfeld in it, for the win.
How about this concept? Santa is not actually Santa, but a trove of demons who work to try to keep bring the Krampus back to life? Now that is a fucking Christmas themed movie. Rare Exports takes the idea of a fat old man hovering over you while you sleep and injects some real creepiness into it.
Naked old men who look like Santa. Giant, frozen demons who want to eat the heads off children? Now this is the kid of movie set aside for special Grinches like us.
One Magic Christmas
Oh, the joy. What scene is my favorite? I think the one where the family slides off the road in an icy accident and plunges off a bridge to their icy death in the frozen waters below. That was so sweet. And despite whatever you are thinking, NO, this is not a horror movie.
This was a fucking DISNEY movie. Seriously, see it and be preprared for your eyes to melt out of your head. They attempted to make a spin on It’s A Wonderful Life (spoiler alert, bank robberies while the kids are in the car and icy deaths in water) and boy did they fuck this one up.
Side note. My mother and I walked out of this movie in the middle, sobbing. Only movie I ever walked out of, and i was seven and she forty, so may that put it in perspective.
How about this? How about Santa is evil again, and this time, as oppose to Rare Exports which is genuinely creepy, we got more for the humor angle? I realized I talked about some of these in my Xmas horror movie list, but come on. This movie stars ex-wrestler Goldberg and begins like this:
If you think that is not awesome, I hope you get coal shoved up your ass on Christmas morning.
Okay, even my old and miserable ass can drop that hint of bitterness in my voice when I talk about this damn-near perfect film. Though you had to have grown up in an older time to know just how nostalgic it is, Christmas in this country used to be like this. Everyone you see is in a good mood, and there are so many cool rituals like getting the tree and going to visit Santa that are just nailed here.
Hell, even the pink bunny suit thing has happened to all of us at least once in our lifetimes in one form or another.
If there was is a PERFECT Christmas movie, this would be it. Well, this and….
It’s A Wonderful Life
Underlying message. Don’t kill yourself or wish you were never born or Clarence won’t get his wings, you asshole.