Lords, ladies, lepers and lieges, gather ’round. I shall weave for thee a tale about a beast so fantastical, thine ears will swear they are being besieged with lies. But so will not be so and such and so on. For today, sweet internet peasants, we shall talk about the mighty, magical, mystical, majestical beast known as the unicorn. Some scoff and say “Hogwash, a unicorn is just a horse with a head boner”, but those people are usually thrown into pits of snakes and hot tar and pits of hot tar snakes to compensate for their hateful lies. Unicorns are actually the most magical of all the lord’s creatures (outside of David Bowie, who is sadly, no longer with us).
I shall waste no more time and make haste forward with my list about the majestic as fuck unicorn and all the times it hath saved our souls on-screen. And anyone who tries to comment on this piece and say unicorns are not real, a pox upon your house. A pox upon the house next to you. A pox upon your children’s children’s house. So many poxes I thrust in your general direction right now I have lost count.
Now onward, like a unicorn outrunning a tidal wave made of smaller unicorns……
The Unicorn from Cabin in the Woods
What many wise and great adventurers don’t seem to be know is that almost ALL unicorns are freakishly aggressive. The horn is not there to be pretty. The horn is an example of pristine evolution. It is, literally, a sword on a horse’s head. Horror satire gem Cabin in the Woods is widely hailed as one of the ONLY films ever made where unicorns were properly represented.
Also, on some realeth shit, did you know the material of a unicorns horn is called alicorn? Look that shit upeth if thou is throwing mad shade right now.
The 2 Unicorns from Legend
What many people DON’T know is the genius filmsman, Ridley Scott actually used and killed (in the process, mistakenly) the last 2 ACTUAL unicorns on Earth. So when you watch Legend and see those beautiful, horned nag, just know…that majesty was real and caused Hollywood to start the PDKRUIYMBPWBAUOOA, which most know means Please Don’t Kill Real Unicorns In Your Movie Because Peta Will Be All Up On Our Asses.
The good news? No more unicorns have been killed since Legend. Oh yeah, cuz there were no more left.
Anyway..on to some lighter fare, shall we?
The Unicorn from The Virgin Suicides
HAHAHAHA, just kidding. The Unicorn from Deadpool
The unicorn in The Virgin Suicide was from a poem from a sad girl. Wah, does thou need to me to play mine tiny violiin for you, my lady? Nah, fucketh that noise. Sir deadpool, for his many flaws and shortcomings, does know one thing: How essential a good unicorn can be to a healthy masturbation session. If you hath never masturbated with a unicorn held closely to your head, thine does not know the true power of the “glitter rainbow orgasm”, and that is just sad.
For shame, peasant. For shame.
Unicorn from Nico the Unicorn
Okay, I honestly have no ideaeth what this movie is, but hell, let’s go down the rabbbit hole together, right now, as this is the whole movie. I mean, I know it hath a unicorn in it, so it lands a spot.
Onward, great horned steed. Onward to next, mentally scarring entry….
The Unicorn from The Last Unicorn
On some real talketh, this movie messed me up. There is a darkness to this movie most don’t think will be there due to the animation, but my tender brain has yet to get over the demonic charging bull from this movie that constantly wants to kill this last unicorn. Unsettling, it twas.
But as you can above, there are moments when the unicorn stops to smoke weed and it really seems to help with its overall steez. Yes, unicorns love weed because weed, much like them, is magic.
Speaking of weed and magic unicorns….
The Unicorn from Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay
If Sir Neil Patrick Harris tripping balls and seeing a unicorn does not make thy day, thy day is not worthy of ever being made. Off with you, bed bug.
The Unicorn from Blade Runner
Nowhere at any time on this list did I say the unicorn could not be origami. Do you smell that? That is the scent of me winning the day. I shall now ride off on my uncorn into the sunset, leaving in my wake a rainbow cloud of farts made by said unicorn.
I told you they were the most magical of all the creatures…