I know a bunch of you new school Deadpool fans think the sweet little love story in his movie captured him at his loving best, such is not the case. Yes, he DOES end up with Copycat (chick from movie) eventually, but his ass mileage was in the high thousands before that. They needed to land females in the seats, too, so they fast forwarded that story, which is fine. But in the real Deadpool Marvel U, the man is a sexual dynamo. Just laying waste to so much booty it is not even funny. I am sure not many of you know, but:
- He is omnisexual (meaning he will have sex with ANYTHING, literally) and….
- His main love interest (natch, obsession) for a VERY LONG TIME was with (the character) Death. Not only because he loves her, but more so for what she symbolizes, which is, um, death. The thing he wants in life more than anything.
Hell, even the original script had a suicide montage of Deadpool trying to kill himself over and over to no avail. Car crusher and motorcycle into a wall at 100 MPH being highlights, but the studio decided to tone down his death obsession AND his T&A obsession (understandably). This list will highlight all the hero ass Deadpool has plundered, effortlessly, bless his brittle soul. Keep in mind, this is just the females (plus a beard). Generally, the guys he wants to bang (like Spiderman and Cable, for example) aren’t as keen about that idea as he is, but it doesn’t stop him from trying. That’ll get its own list soon enough. Brokebackpool, coming soon, literally.
Death
Is it weird I would watch these two bang?
I know, I know, I said this. But still, how about a little insight into it, folks? Ok, so Marvel has a Death character that is female. She is, literally, death. Deadpool gets all mutilated. Deadpool can’t die and is sad. Death is a female (skull face and all) and he pines for her because he knows what she represents to him. Sleep, rest, peace.
Thing is, she is into Deadpool, too. They just can’t be together because he CAN’T DIE. Fuck Romeo and Juliet. Now THAT is some tragic love story shit.
Shiklah
Question is, what do demons have for genitals (not that DP would care, and yes, DP was used there on purpose because I wanted all you RedTube fans to think of double penetration.) Deadpool would really appreciate this caption.
So Dracula wanted this demon chick named Shiklah to marry him so he and Shiklah could bring their demon armies together and rule the world (no bullshit). So Dracula hired Deadpool to kill her (again, no bullshit) because she refused to join him. So this demon lady tries to suck Deadpool’s………….life force out you pervs, but she can’t because he cannot die. So she becomes enamored and they have a fake wedding to throw Dracula off and then have a real one because they are both so messed up.
Jesus Christ, writing this stuff down makes me realize how wonderfully insane it really is. Yeah, he banged and married a female demon. Who hasn’t, really?
Siryn
She touched his face, which is like touching the wiener in his soul.
You know, it is clear to see now how bad Deadpool’s taste in women is. Death, a Demon, and a woman who’s power is to scream people deaf. Anyway, during a battle side by side, Deadpool’s mask comes off and he freaks and asks her not to look, but she gets past her reaction and actually treats him gently, which makes him fall in love with her.
He watches her sleep. They then have sex. Oh wait. He didn’t have sex with Siryn. It was another character who disguised herself as Siryn to screw with Deadpool’s head. When he was banging Siryn, he didn’t know it but he was actually banging…..
Typhoid Mary
His sadness in this scene is actually quite palpable. Also, make no mistakes, that is rape. Deadpool got raped. Flip the genders and tell me I’m wrong.
Oh man. Deadpool’s list of “broken evil ex’s” is longer than mine and Scott Pilgrim’s, which I did not think possible. Well, I already kinda spelled this one out for you above. She tricked him by changing her looks just so she could get inside Deadpool’s head (and get Deadpool’s lil’ head inside her) and ruin everything, which she did. Rapist.
Eventually, Wade found out what happened and took another shot at Siryn, but by then, their magic just wasn’t there anymore. Poor, hopeless romantic Deadpool. I guess that aspect of the movie WAS pretty spot on now that I lay it all out like this. Poor guy.
Okay, last bang, literally…
Beatrice the Bearded Lady
God I hope this makes middle America uncomfortable. Screw you, Trump.
Game over, Deadpool wins. That is how you end a list about heroes f*cking.
Deadpool Reviews Deadpool Movie (and Gets a Boner)
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