Evil Overlord, Inc

What would you do, if you were an Evil Overlord? Evil Overlord, Inc answers that question for us all, 231 times over.

By JC

What would you do, if you were an Evil Overlord? Evil Overlord, Inc answers that question for us all, 231 times over, mostly by lampooning the various villians of fantasy, sci-fi, and spy movies.

An excerpt from their CEO’s welcome:

We realize that today Evil Overlords are more prevalent than ever before. With so many out there vying for global domination, it takes something special for one to emerge as an industry leader. Here at Evil Overlord Inc, we care about the individual. Other Overlords have shown a tendency to make broad sweeping plans and think only in terms of vast armies. But we believe that this is a mistake; every individual is different and has different strengths and weaknesses. If we don’t take the time to learn about them and adjust our plans, then we’re not doing our jobs. It is somewhat of a cliche these days, but we are proud to say that we “think global and act local”. You have my promise that each and every one of you will be carefully scrutinized, assessed, and dealt with accordingly.

And for a taste… the first 12 items on the list

  1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing
    ones.
  2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
  3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously
    imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
  4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
  5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain
    of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity.
    It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is
    my
    one weakness.
  6. I will not gloat over my enemies’ predicament before killing them.
  7. When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me,
    will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I’ll say, "No." and
    shoot him. No, on second thought I’ll shoot him then say "No."
  8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in
    a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks’ time during
    which
    the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
  9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary.
    If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger:
    Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will
    instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it.
    Similarly,
    the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
  10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum — a small hotel
    well outside my borders will work just as well.
  11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove
    it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies
    alive to show they pose no threat.
  12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in
    my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
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