That time of year approacheth! When people become like consumerist zombie versions of themselves and drag themselves from shop to shop (online or otherwise) to try to buy the people they love things that will make them somehow love them more. You know, that special time of year when we try to buy our loved one’s affection for AT LEAST another year? The annual moment when people drive around like lunatics and elbow drop you in a store for the last Tickle-Me-Elmo (God, I love outdated references).
But the real question is, what Christmas gifts are popping THIS year? What gift is the Tickle-Me-Elmo of 2017?
Thankfully, there are about 200 answers to that question, but here are the best of them. Here are 25 Christmas gifts (with links to order them) to ensure you are their biggest hit at your consumerist get together with your family that slightly disguises itself as a religious holiday, which is hilarious in itself because, well, capitalism over idealism, as Radiohead so eloquently once said.
Now getting into the 25 reasons we will all be in crippling debt by the end of the month…
25) Han Solo Flask (That Shot First): Priceless
The reason the list price here is “priceless” is because, sadly, this flask is still in its concept stages, though rumored to be VERY close to becoming real, so I had to start this list with it.
But on a very serious side note, in our current age of daily mass-shootings and such, DO NOT EVER TAKE THIS OUT OF THE HOUSE WITH YOU. This is more to “make your fellow geek friends laugh when you pour them a shot from home” kind of flask.
Get it, a shot?
24) Wolverine Knife Holder: $39.95
A cool, ceramic knife holder that holds your knives in such a way that they look like the claws of X-Men badass, Wolverine.
My only suggestion with this is do not buy it for old people or someone who has kids in the house, because you grab one of those blades the wrong way (which is how they face to make the illusion work), you could be looking at a lost finger or two.
We keep it real. Buy this one with some caution, as cool as it is.
23) Shakespeare Insult Chart: $25-$50
Anyone can call you a shithead, but it takes some genuine artistry to be able to insult someone and still sound superior and educated. That is where this poster/chart comes in.
It has a myriad of insults used in the Bard’s writing, and teaches you how to burn someone and still walk away the intellectual victor.
22) Bob Ross Funko: $10.45
If you DON’T want this amazing Bob Ross Funko, I cannot be friends or associate with you, as it is one of the most wonderful things EVER MADE.
Bob Ross was a staple for kids who grew up in the 80’s and 90’s, and this figure is an awesome homage to an awesome man.
*cleans and dries brush by whapping it back and forth on easel leg for nine hours straight
21) Official Game of Thrones Coloring Book: $15.82
Game of Thrones + Coloring Book = Instant Win for All Involved. And that is ALL I need to say about that.
20) Loot Crate Subscription: $ (Varies in size of order and frequency of deliveries)
Just the simple fact that signing someone up for three-six-twelve months of stuff from Loot Crate means they get Christmas gifts from you all throughout the year (as it is a subscription box that comes chock full some of the coolest geek stuff out there, month to month, delivered to their door).
Nothing better than getting a call once a month for a few months in a row from someone you love thanking you again for the cool stuff that keeps showing up.
It is LITERALLY a gift that keeps on giving (and the loot it comes with is VERY pop-culture and geek-centric, as you can see above).
19) Stranger Things Art Print: $20.00
Everyone loves Stranger Things right now and for good reason. It is a fun and nostalgic show for many, and besides all that, has a great cast and a very cool storyline.
So what would be a better gift for those waffle lovers in your life than this amazing art print of Eleven and the Demogorgon from the first season of this Netflix instant classic?
Nothing, that’s what.
18) Legend of Zelda Link Beanie (with Ears!): $23.99
You know, there are a LOT of Legend of Zelda Link hats you can buy out there, but the lack of ears on most of them put them in a space far inferior than the Link hat you see above.
Anyone can have a green hat with the Triforce symbol on it, but to rock that AND the elf ears really sends home the message that it IS, indeed, dangerous to go alone, so take THIS!
Sorry, that was low-hanging fruit and I got hungry.
17) Jon Snow’s Backpack: $59.99
Should say more along the lines of “backpack inspired by the look of Jon Snow’s jacket” but you get the gist.
This is the backpack you wear if you work the Night’s Watch on the wall, and or you intend to marry your own sister after getting stabbed 27 times by people you worked with.
Oh wait, there’s no wall left.
Still, cool-ass backpack and any excuse to look like “Emo Jon Snow” is good enough for me.
16) Galaxy Bedding with 3D Printed Cloud Quilt Pillow Cases: $45.00
Most people really like the idea of sleeping under the stars, but who wants to go camping when it is winter? We have the solution (and perfect gift for such an occasion).
The above comforter and pillowcase set has the galaxy printed aonit, so anytime you get under the covers, you are LITERALLY sleeping under the stars, all year round!
Doesn’t hurt that it looks cool as hell, either.
15) Old School, Typewriter-Style Keyboard: $299.00
As a writer who loves the old-school sounds and feel of a typewriter, there could not be a cooler gift out there (for me, at least).
Looking and sounding like an old typewriter, but having some super advanced features are the real selling point.
It may LOOK nostalgic, but this thing can do it all.
14) The Last Jedi Talking, Animated Porg Plush: $39.95
The Last Jedi is not even dropping until ten days before Christmas, but still, the Porg creature we have all seen from the trailers have already blown up and are everywhere.
Me thinks the Porgs may be the new Ewoks (cute and slightly annoying, though not to Jar-Jar levels), but I will have to wait to confirm.
In the meantime, any Star Wars fan you pick this up for this Christmas will be delighted! It makes Porg noises (not sure what those sound like yet outside of trailer) and it “waddles and flaps.” We love things that waddle and flap!
That’s how I get around, actually.
13) Dungeons and Dragons Mounted Monster Heads: $430.99 (and WORTH IT)
Do you see the creature above with the tentacle-face? Do you know what its name is?
The Mind Flayer.
Anyone who watched this season of Stranger Things can tell you why having a mounted mind-flayer trophy head on your wall would pretty much be the coolest thing since waffles with M&M’s and whipped cream on them.
Pricey, but man, so worth it!
12) Mini-Camera Drone with Controller, App, and Phone Stand: $59.99
So this is a tiny drone with a special app you download to use it.
Once you have the app on your phone, there is a special stand that you attach your phone into and basically use it as a mini-camcorder, with a live feed showing in HD through your phone’s screen and very easy-to-use controls.
So with this Christmas gift, you could be feeling like James Bond in no time.
11) Cat Butt Magnets, Set of 6: $9.99
Why? Honestly, I don’t know, but I just know that every single one of us needs these (literally) weird-ass magnets, if for no other reason than to confuse the hell out of whoever comes over as to why we have tiny cat butts sticking out of our fridge door.
Ten dollars is a small price to pay to mindf*ck a family member or close friend around the holidays, and well worth it if you ask me.
10) Oculus Rift VR Headset: $349.00
Although the Oculus hasn’t quite lived up to it’s full VR potential yet, games like Resident Evil 7 prove that a good VR experience can make a video game that much more immersive and jaw-dropping (or in RE’s case, ppants-wetting.
And when it comes to VR systems, the Rift is the head of the class when it comes to quality and price range, which gets more reasonable with each passing year.
9) Cougar Armor Gaming Chair: $179.99
Any gamer who tells you they don’t want a special chair made just for gaming are lying to you.
Pretty much everything on the chair above can be changed and customized for anyone’s preference, from the height of the armrests to the angle of the chair’s back and how much it can lean back and rotate.
It was LITERALLY built for gaming, so buying this for the geek in your life for Christmas would put you at the top of their “best person ever” list.
8) Stranger Things VHS Retro Night Light: $20.57
This is final Stranger Things inspired gift on the list, I promise, but I had to include it because the idea of using a Stranger Things VHS cassette as a nightlight would make you the coolest kid on the block.
Or adult, because yes, some of us are still afraid of the dark, specifically because of THIS show, which makes this Xmas gift even more apropos!
7) Kymera Magic Wand (Remote Control): $64.95
A working magic wand that can turn your enemies into toads this is not. Rather, it is a VERY unique take on the classic television remote, and waving it at your TV to make channels change would probably blow all your friend’s minds.
Who DOESN’T want a magic wand in their life and what is wrong with them is the real question here.
6) Fake Vintage Library Wall Mural: $60.00
You may not be learned (pronounced learn-ed), well-read, or highly educated, but with this slick sixty dollar wall decal that looks exactly like an old-school library of bookshelves, you may be able to trick your friends into thinking you actually have something in between those ears.
Just kidding. I know you like to read or else why would you be reading this?
5) Rick and Morty Ugly Christmas Sweater (That Secretly Rules): $49.99
I can honestly say with all confidence that most mortals just cannot fathom how schwifty they would get if they wore this Rick and Morty sweater to their family Christmas.
Also, please note, if you did NOT get the reference in that last line you are highly unworthy of wearing something this amazing.
4) Elgato Game Capture HD: $109.00
Twitch gaming is all the rage now, and why capture your footage if it is gonna be shitty and low-res or slowed down? Ruins the whole idea of streaming your games if the visuals aren’t top notch. This is where the Elgato Game Capture comes in.
Snagging footage of your best gaming speedruns and doing it in HD, with a really easy plug-and-play interface. A little expensive, but the best stuff usually is (and this thing pays for itself in a few weeks if you get enough Twitch traffic).
3) Xbox One S 1TB Bundle: $$329.99
Hey, if nothing else, we will give Microsoft credit for not going off into that cold night without a fight. With many still looking at the XBone as a major failure, here is Microsoft dropping ANOTHER version of their console (I believe this is the third or fourth Xbox One variant).
It IS the most powerful console on the market to date, and even with the lofty price tag and lack of stellar games, people still are demanding this machine big time this Christmas.
Whereas I actually prefer the PS4 and…..
2) Nintendo Switch: $299.00
It could be said that Nintendo hit another out-of-the-park homerun with this console.
While not a game changer on the technical front, the ability to take it anywhere and the perfection of some of the console’s games (namely, Breath of the Wild and Super Mario Odyssey) are great examples as to why, well after release, this system is still in very high demand.
SNES, NES, Sega Genesis Classic Mini-Consoles: From $59.99-$500.00
The reality of these things is they are VERY cool, but jerkoffs buy a hundred of them at once and then sell them online for thrice the selling price. That is crappy and shady and the creators behind this new mini-system fad have to figure out a way to stop that because the genuine geeks get screwed over and the scumbags make mad bank.
DO NOT BUY ONE OF THESE FROM Ebay, people are scamming you. Even the people behind the consoles agree.
But they HAVE to start distributing MORE of them so this CAN’T happen.
1) Google Home
Are you kinda lazy? Do you want a robot in the middle of your house doing all your stuff for you like taking notes and making calls and such? Well, Google Home is the way to go.
Basically a glorified version of Amazon’s Alexa, Google Home gels your home and tech needs and uses algorithms to figure out what kind of news you want and such.
You can also scream for it to call someone and it will. From what I have heard, this thing is the most desired gift of 2017 for most people.
And I’m over here hoping they find a cure for Alzheimer’s. Man, the stuff on this list seems way more realistic. And in hindsight, that Mall Santa seemed really pissed when I sat in his lap and asked him for that.
So maybe stick to the gifts on this list and keep your dreams achievable. Dream small, it works out more often that way.