A Guest Post Written by Wade Wilson, who kind of tied up our entire office and, at gun point, didn’t give a choice.
Hold on. Before you all shit your pants and go internet cry baby on me, I have done this before. Tied up this same fat-boy fan boy and took over his “piece” as he called it. No, not his gun. No, not his penis. Pretentious internet writers often call their articles “pieces” for some reason. It is one of the reasons I tied dude up and am not letting him review my movie. Go back to your Mom’s basement and eat some more Cheez-Its, my boy. Daddy is taking over, and Daddy Deadpool wants to take a minute to talk about my movie. You know, Suicide Squad?
I was just contacted by Marvel and informed that is NOT my movie (I SWEAR I play Harley Quinn), so I guess I will talk about MY movie for a bit. I know that seems very masturbatory of me, but don’t worry, I am writing all this with voice recognition software and masturbating at same time, so it all balances out.
What I Thought About My Bulge
I did, in fact, touch myself that night. In the bathing suit area.
Okay, let us get one thing straight off the bat. I was FUCKING AWESOME. What Fox did right here was they put the focus on ME. Wait, Fox made a GOOD comic movie? Trust me, I am as shocked as you. When I found out Fox had my rights, I watched the most recent Fantastic Four then literally jammed my head in my oven for fourteen hours, aware I can’t die but still aware that my head in a fucking oven was less painful than the most recent Fantastic Flaw.
Fox nailed me. No, I don’t mean they fucked me anally (although that exact thing does happen in my movie, to their credit, as I am omnisexual). I mean, beginning to end, they made it about me. They even surrounded me with shitty, one-note villains so as to never take the shine off me. THAT was the balls. Big balls. Elephant balls. Wait, is that even a compliment anymore? Not sure, don’t care. They got ME right, that was most important.
Also, they let Ryan Reynolds pretend fuck that Morena Baccarin chick in a bunch of wonderful positions, so that made my burnt up dick feel better about itself. That woman is pure fire. Which is good because my penis is burnt up anyway.
Love Story? F*ck the What? What the F*ck? F*ck the F*ck? F*CK!
Is it weird I am rubbing one out to a better looking version of myself right now?
Okay, okay, so everyone who REALLY knows me knows my first love is, was, always will be Death. Yes, as in the fucking reaper. But in the Marvel U, she is kind of super hot, plus, the thing the movie shined over, I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY wanna die. So being in love with death is not just me wanting to face f*ck her boney jaw, but the metaphor for the fact I am chasing the ONE THING (death itself) that I can never have.
It is VERY Shakespearean (twirls mustache through mask), so I can understand why they circumcised it out of the movie. BUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT, a LOVE story? That made me seem like I am a one woman guy, and that happens MUCH later in my comic career.
BUT (I love that word, and bums themselves, except when I am getting shot up mine, which felt like getting raped quickly by Superman) I know why they did the love story thing. Listen, I am a fucking pain in the ass who loves blood and swears enough to make Scarface blush through his coke pile. We had to get the ladies into those seats somehow, right? So Ryan wrote a sweet love story into the whole thing and made me a softee. All good because, well, look at the numbers, people. I have F*CKING MADE IT! I am like the Chris Pratt of red spandex right now.
Negasonic Teenage Movie Ruiner
” Aw, look how Hot Topic I am! I am all moody and stuff. I get my period sometimes and it makes it worse.” By the way, I am TOTALLY quoting myself here and not the angry goth girl, so relax, FemiNazi’s.
Yes, we can talk about my D-list cast a bit. Colossus? Perfect. We repped that uppitty futhermucker better than any X-Men movie has yet. He was metal and Russian and not a ton of fun. Anyone who grew up on the comics know this to be Collolllollossus. Sorry, it looked weird second time I typed it out. Anyway, he was cool. That “broken hands and feet” scene was f*cking great, too. Because I have actually done that, seventy two times and counting, actually. I don’t learn as quickly in real life as they portrayed in my movie, but I am okay with that.
But what in the shitballs was a Negasonic Teenage Warhead? Is she an actual X-Men? Did they make her up for my movie? Pretty sure some goth girl just walked onto set one day and Ryan started making fun of her and they just kept it in the movie. But to their credit, I did make fun of her for the entire movie, too, so I think even I knew she sucked. I mean, they even knew she sucked. Whatever, she sucked. Yeah, she was one note and I still have no idea who she is, what she does, or why…..oh, yes I do. They didn’t think my movie would work so they gave me D-listers to fuck with my shway. WELL GUESS WHAT, F*CKS STUDIO (I mean Fox), my movie still rocked ballsacks, even with a weird, tacked on goth girl who may be a nuclear bomb but no one is quite sure and whose name really kinds of tells us nothing about her except that she has a long name. Also, not cool to use the N word in a main characters name.
Oh, oh, NEGA sonic.
Wait, isn’t that a character from a Sonic the Hedgehog game?
The f*ck is going on here? Anyway, don’t expect to see too much of her in the future. Young girls sometimes go through a “cutting” phase, and she will probably just go full nuke (NEVER GO FULL NUKE, Iron Man taught me that in Tropic Thunder) and be done with at that point, bless her soul.
*Cries slow motion tears for Negrosonic the Hedgehog Teenage Hot Topic Girl
Spoiler Alurt: I Masturbated With A Unicorn
Wanna know something weirder than the unicorn thing? No? Good. I sometimes have sex with this bear rug’s mouth. No worries, I am into kinky shit and I have a healing factor that works just as well on my downstairs mix-up.
That is when I knew, they get it. This Reynolds guy who is having an apparent blast pretending to be me gets a ton of credit. He obviously is all up on my shit in real life, and that reflects itself in the story he made up about me. I got laid. I was kind of a dick. I got laid some more. I killed people and got great pleasure in doing so. I got fucked in my ass, which I thought was refreshing. The ENTIRE focus was on me the whole time (which made jerking off to me for 90 plus minutes surprisingly easy).
Speaking of which, the moment with the unicorn. Yes, it is a blink-and-you-will-miss-it moment, but that showed me, this IS Deadpool. They really do understand how unwell I am. Shit wasn’t spot on because, well, the movie would have been a tad bit closer to X rated, but there were times when I wanted to punch me in the face during that movie, so that is how I know it is realistic, because everyone I meet wants to punch me in the face at least once.
Jokes on them, though, because I shoot them. In the dick. I shoot them in their dicks.
*smiles and looks off into sunset
One Last S*men Splash of Good News
Iron Man: I fucked him.
Here is the part where all your panties should get wet (pointing at you, Grandpa!). My movie did so well in review screenings and on it’s first night opening (that sounds sexual) that they have greenlit the sequel and have started writing Deadpool Too. Oh fuck, if they call it that, I am shooting everyone at Fox and changing the name to “Deadpool Cums Again” Or “Deeper Inside Deadpool“. You know, something that will REALLY fills the seats.
So go see my movie, Suicide Squad. I think you will find my performance to be both subtle AND sexy. Side note, Marvel is mad at me again. Fine, fine, I meant Civil F*cking War. Go see Civil War. Just don’t ask why I am not in it, because Marvel will just stand around and then point at Stan Lee. Yes, Stan Lee, the DJ at the strip club. Don’t act like you don’t know the guy.
Okay, see you soon, Sexies and thanks for seeing my pretend movie about pretend me and reading this article about a pretend me pretending to review a pretend version of a movie version of pretend comic book version of the me, which is also pretend. Wait….I don’t exist?