Our Very Strong Feelings on the New Nintendo Switch Console

First and foremost let it be known by all, we are NOT Nintendo haters. They started this home console thing (or at least mastered it and set the blueprint for years to come) but that doesn’t mean by default everything they do is pure gold. Perfect examples being the WiiU and even going so far back as to bring up mess that was the Virtual Boy (AKA the console that taught me what migraines were). But when Nintendo hits it out of the park, they REALLY hit it out of the park (see NES, Super NES and Wii for examples). This brings us to the new announcement of the Switch, Nintendo’s newest console and to say we were underwhelmed by the premier trailer would be an understatement. ANOTHER Nintendo console that is trying to push the whole “system turns portable via controller” angle they tried pushing with the WiiU. What? Why?! NO, stop it!

Nintendo, your original fans are all grown up now and just want a hardcore gaming console. We WANT to give you our money but you keep making systems for kids. We are not kids anymore. Most real gamers are in their 20’s and 30’s (and 40’s and so on) so why does Nintendo keep making consoles for anyone BUT us? Why is hitting that demographic (as in hardcore geeks and gamers) so hard for the fine folks at Nintendo to do? Also, someone needs to say this:

Skyrim (a 5 year old game) as a launch title is, at best, a joke of an idea. I love Bethesda and love Nintendo, but this is some really bad planning by two brands that should’ve known better. Gamers deserve better. If Bethesda didn’t want to stand behind the Switch enough to give it an original game for launch, that itself, says so much.

A game I beat 3 HOUSES ago. Yes, I beat Skyrim 3 houses ago, meaning I have moved three times since that game came out. Launch title, that is not. Joke, that seems more like. But Remy, they’ll say, it’s the ULTIMATE edition of Skyrimjob with all the DLC. Meh! That is still a shit call for Nintendo to make, and we all may very well remember this moment as the beginning of the end of Nintendo in the console wars, honestly. I know it sounds heavy, but when your last 2-3 consoles have not even held up against their competitors, it is time to call it quits. Keep making games and being a part of the scene, but if Switch is the best you can do in 2016, the console war is one Nintendo should no longer be in. Step aside and let the new meat through. Shinier versions of Splatoon and Skyrim just doesn’t cut it. And also, no hardcore gamer wants to game on the go, really.

Like, really. The 3DS was dope, but that was the end of that movement. Time to let it go. If we want casual on-the-go games we will use our phones and tablets. If we want hardcore games we will use our PS4’s and new VR systems. We will NOT be carrying Switch controllers in our pocket to play Splatoon in locker rooms for our exciting and not possible futures in competitive E-Sports. Nintendo, you were kings once and set the tone for ALL OF THIS and I recognize that and will love you always for it, but you feel like that weird 50 year old guy at the club trying way too hard to be cool at this point. Take off the fedora, please?

Let it go. You were the best and those days just might be over, yet we love you no less for it. But stop now before this gets any MORE awkward, seriously. Also, the name of the console sucks. It sounds like a game console that wishes it could be a toaster.

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