Why Gritty Power Rangers Movie Can Go To Hell (with All Other Gritty Reboots)

I would come home from school in the afternoon and in my naive innocence, I would smoke a joint and I would watch the Power Rangers. I would do this because I had never seen anything as outwardly cheesy thrown at Americans since 60’s era Batman, and knew from the first moment I saw it that it was cheesy brilliance.

From the bad dubbing to the over-the-top voices (of which Bryan Cranston from Breaking Bad played many and is also in the movie, by the way), it was just the best shit to watch stoned as a teenager BECAUSE it was so bad (and Pink Ranger 1.o was fire, looking at you Amy Jo Johnson) but as good as all that was, you know what? The LAST thing the world needs right now is a gritty Power Rangers reboot.

Put it this way: you can serve me melted gouda on a split ciabatta role with some roma tomatoes and basil and as sexy as it is, we both know that fucker is still a grilled cheese sandwich. Don’t try to tell me it’s the gritty reboot of the original sandwich. In the case of this new Power Rangers movie, a “gritty reboot” means the ENTIRE POINT of the show is lost. It was absolute shit and that is what made it fun.

Am I the only fully-grown child of the 90’s who knows this?

Apparently yes, yes I am. Also, someone has to fucking say this now because none of us did when it came out. Power Rangers is a MUCH SHITTIER version of Voltron. All they did was rip off Voltron and not even as good as Voltron. Hell, I will go so far as to say I bet you this new Voltron on Netflix (which is DOPE btw) does better than the upcoming gritty reboot of the cheesiest TV show ever.

The Original Show

Rita Repulsa. Do I even need to say anything more? This actress was so hyperactive and horrendous, you could hold nachos up to your TV and they would have cheese on them after she did a scene. Even her fucking name sounds like it would be something a dentist would call “sugary foods” to scare kids away from eating them. Here, for the 9 of you who forget just how mind-meltingly bad it all was, Rita specifically:

Even better, Hollywood whitewashed another role. Dear everyone but white people, sorry the world is shitty and ignorant. Dear white people, cut the shit.

That. You are taking the chick from Wet Hot American Summer and making her play that, but for SERIOUS? Oh my god, how she is not tying a noose in her trailer right now is beyond me (and you are amazing Elizabeth Banks, please do not take as direct insult).

As for Bryan Cranston I can justify him being in film. He did voice acting for their first few seasons when he could not find work. They kept him fed when he was poor and he repaid the favor by doing the movie. I get it (but even he was wise enough to be like: make me a hologram, I won’t LITERALLY be in that shit, I’m too talented.

And they seemed okay with it, thankfully.

Gritty Reboots Are Kind of a Joke

Keep in mind, if this movie rocks I will be first to say I was wrong but it won’t rock so realistically, I am not going to end up saying that.

Gritty reboots are utter shit. Really, they are. I don’t want to see the Scooby Doo team as some good-looking modern teens trying to fuck each other whilst also figuring out why old Mr. Wilkins would want to keep the closed theme park to himself by dressing like a phantom, GRITTY STYLE. It is fun for fan art but that is about it. I want cheese with my cheese. No one who orders Mac and Cheese expects a flaming plate with skewers of meat through it. They expect cheese.

So to take this proverbial cheese and try to tell us it is now a meat skewer is just downright stupid. These “kids” on the original show (I put quotes because they were all like 27 or so at the time) were adults in fucking spandex fighting other adults in giant foam rubber outfits. Between the cheesy puns and the fact that every punch LITERALLY exploded, it was Velveeta on TV. Telveeta. But you think you can stick a needle full of testosterone in this series’ ass cheeks and it is suddenly gonna be the “next big franchise for “tweens”? Wake the fuck up. Tell me the last gritty reboot that wasn’t a reach-around?

Didn’t think so.

Shoulda Gone 21 Jump Street With It (a.k.a. Meta AF)

Dear all writers in Hollywood who reboot. Try your hand at above model, it fucking works.

Now had this movie been SO GENIUS as to overdub poorly, still use foam rubber suits, and tap into what made it so much cheesy fun in the first place, they would have had gold on their hands. Being self-referential (especially to how cheesy the material you are paying homage to was) is huge these days and the world (and my well-paid demographic) would have gone to see that. Characters making fun of the suits and colors they are forced to wear based on culture and gender norms. Outwardly mocking the lameness of the bad guy’s outfits. You know, Deadpool type of shit.

Example as proof it WOULD work on big-screen:

Team’s fighting big baddie, getting nowhere. Red Ranger gets on com and says:

Maybe we can just push him over and that cumbersome rubber suit will keep him from getting back up?

To which the rest of the team would reply, in shock:

What did you just say?

And he would say:

Nothing, um, *clears throat* it’s clobbering time? Wait, do we even have a catchphrase yet?

Boom. Gold. and that was one badass scene and it took me seven fucking seconds to write. I would get stoned off my ass and go see that shit twice (yeah, not a lot has changed personally since my teenage years and it is kinda dope to be able to say that). But cheesy into gritty? Nope. That is like when the class nerd takes GHB and works out for 8 months before reunion only to get his ass beat again by same, smaller bullies.

And while we are on subject of asskicking and gritty reboots, let’s finish this right..

Kill the Itty Bitty Gritty Committee

If Kristen Stewart is the fairest in their land, I must look like fucking Brad Pitt there.

Hansel and Gretel. Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Red Riding Hood. Fantastic Four. Miami Vice. Robin Hood. And those are just a few of the dozens and dozens of examples where making a movie more gritty did nothing to make it better and even managed to lose some of their charm as they changed form, which is just what is about to happen with the Power Rangers reboot. You know it and so do I.

So how about we find the fat, rich, white guy in Hollywood who fucks children and demands all reboots be gritty and we just kill him? Wait, did I just get too dark? You didn’t hear, this last paragraph is a gritty reboot to the beginning of the article.

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