5 Reasons 'Star Trek: Beyond' Looks BEYOND Awful (and NOT like Star Trek)

Let’s all take a moment to acknowledge that J.J Abrams saved all the cool space franchises. Seriously, he just gave us the Star Wars movie we have been pining for since Empire, and he rebooted the Star Trek series and did something no soul thought possible:

He made Star Trek cool.

Like, really cool. You could know about the past TV show and see the movie and totally still get immersed and sucked into that world. And that is because Abrams knows and loves science fiction. But what happens when you hand the rebooted franchise to someone else, and then insist they made a Guardians of the Galaxy knock-off? Star Trek: Beyond happens. I hate to throw stones before a film comes out, but if this trailer is any indication of the movie we are going to get, holy shit. Someone just took a monster dump all over Star Trek and I DO need to talk about this, right the (bleep) now.

Beastie Boys?

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5rRZdiu1UE&w=480&h=360]

Okay, okay, I KNOW the Beastie Boys are f*cking badass. I know their music pumps people and up and is instantly recognizable. I also know Abrams has a huge love for that band as well. BUT, playing Sabotage in the trailer was like a dickkick. Who decided that was a good idea to set the tone for a Star Trek trailer? That trailer music feels SO out of place in that universe, it almost feels TACKED ON.

Oh wait, that is because it was tacked on to the trailer to make it look “hipper” and more appealing to Guardians of the Galaxy fans. Oh, I am not kidding about that.

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Make Another Guardians

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d96cjJhvlMA&w=640&h=360]

This is not a joke. Not something I am making up because I think this trailer looks awful. This is something that studio insisted upon. Check it out here if you think this is bullshit. Guardians (which is a fantastic movie, by the way) did SO well, the heads at the studio were like: Hey, our series takes place in space, too. Let’s make it all mixtapes and cool looking aliens and funny one liners. The problem is, if you watch the trailer which we all have at this point, it just doesn’t work at ALL.

The humor feels sitcom-esque and forced (oh look, Spock disappeared and Bones is all confustipated about it. Such lulz) and the whole thing has a level of “bright and shiny” that just does not gel well with the Star Trek we are used to.

Classic Case of “Tryhard Syndrome”

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XRVD32rnzOw&w=640&h=360]

You know when the fat kid from school goes away for a Summer and loses all his weight, and comes back to school in leather jackets and pretending he is cool, even though everyone knows he is still a fat kid at heart? That is exactly how this trailer feels. It feels like it knows it has been at band camp, but wants to pretend it has been at “cool kid camp.” The problem is, none of us are biting.

We know who you are, Star Trek. Your dorkiness is what makes you cool! You don’t need to put on Beastie Boy music and drive motorcycles off cliffs and wear pastel face paint for us to like you. If anything, those new additions make us like you LESS. First movie was great, second lost a little of that Star Trek feel but remained mostly charming. But man, Beyond looks Beyond AWFUL. So what happened?

Rich, Fat, White Guy Syndrome

The same thing that ruins every fucking movie out there now. Rich, fat, white guys run studios and when they see something take off like Guardians did, do you know what they do? They get their writers to write them a “Guardians” of some sort.

When they are smart, they AT LEAST try to bill it as a new series. When they are lazy as hell, they do what they seem to have done with Star Trek: Beyond and just rape a franchise that already exists on the off-chance no one will notice.

Well, we noticed.

POSITIVE FINAL NOTE:

Simon Pegg HAS come out and said, in different words: I think the Star Trek: Beyond trailer is f*cking awful, too, and can promise you that is not an accurate glimpse into the final product.

Interesting. Guess we just have to wait and see how this all plays out.

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