Gaming

Why Does Resident Evil 7 Looks Meh But No One Will Say It?

I am a big Resident Evil fan. Have beaten every game except for 6, which to me, was a mishmash of a mess of a game that had a huge identity crisis. Looked great, played well, but was not the RE I grew up on. Not saying I want tank controls back, I don’t. That was old-school and needed to be addressed. But the leap from 4 being one of the best horror (and overall) video games EVER MADE to part 6 feeling like a bad Uncharted game with monsters, a lot has happened to this series over the years. Now, with Resident Evil 7 about to drop, people are excited and seem to be foaming at the mouth to get their hands on the newest chapter of the crazy series. But I seem to be the only one noticing something weird here. A LOT OF MAJOR WEBSITES are reporting it as the Resident Evil we know and love, yet every game play demo and trailer we have seen has made it look like every other “run the fuck away from the bad guy” horror game we have gotten in the last ten years. So two questions. One, why do reporters and reviewers and major sites keep calling it a callback to the RE we love when clearly it isn’t, and two. Am I the only one who seems to notice this is just another Outlast/Amnesia type game that will be awash in the ever so dull act of running away from enemies and hiding under beds?

How the fuck is THAT a Resident Evil?

Now for those keeping score, let me show you what Resident Evil games look like, okay?

Now I am gonna show you a game called Outlast:

Now I am going to show you a game called Amnesia:

Now I am going to show you Resident Evil 7:

Now of the games featured above, which one does Resident Evil 7 look the MOST like? The top games from the franchise it is from? Nope, it looks like the next two games, actually. So why do major sites keep putting out previews like this, where they REINFORCE 15 times that it is just like the RE we love, yet they show us it is NOTHING like the RE we love?

Seriously, count how many times these two say it feels like classic RE while showing NOTHING to back that up. What is that about?

That is weird as fuck to me as a game journalist. It is as if someone is standing off to the side, prodding them to talk about how much it is like classic Resident Evil, yet not ONE SCENE represents that in truth. It is another fucking hiding simulator. Quick aside, hiding simulators are not fun. NO IDEA why gamers took to this trend (oh yes I do, because idiots play them on YouTube and scream and young nerds like to jerk off to watching it, though no idea why). When did ammo conservation and cool boss fights and actual story get pushed behind the act of hiding behind crates and under fucking beds?

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THAT IS NOT A HORROR GAME, PEOPLE. THAT IS A VIDEO GAME VERSION OF HIDE AND SEEK WITH AN A.I ROBOT.

What is fun about sitting in a virtual corner for fifteen minutes in real time while a code walks back and forth near you, making ominous noises? Fuck off with that. Jump scare, pussy hiding bullshit. That is not why we play games. That is EXACTLY WHAT WE WOULD DO IN REAL LIFE IN THAT SITUATION. Games are supposed to make me feel powerful and like I, too, pose a threat. If hiding from scary people was fun, kids would love bullies. If hiding from scary people was fun, abused spouses would love “beat my ass” night, but such is not the case. Adults stopped playing hide and seek as kids because it is actually a stupid game. Yet here we are, over and over, dishing out sixty bucks to play it against game coded A.I. So I am the only one who thinks this shit is a cop out? One more thing, fuck it, I will just say this. PT was pretty dope and even though everyone loved it dumbass Konami canceled Silent Hills, so why don’t we just say what we all are thinking? Resident Evil had NO IDEA where to go with their dying series, P.T got cancelled and they went on and made P.T. Really.

Seriously, watch this and Meet the Bakers RE7 trailer and tell me how they are different:

They aren’t. Well, with one minor exception. P.T genuinely looks good and scary, whereas RE7 looks like it is trying to be P.T. And let it be known, that is NOT a Resident Evil game. Which brings me around to my other point again.

Why are major sites who have played it and seen it and know it has NOTHING that makes it feel like a Resident Evil game keep calling it “classic RE”? Well, that actually circles around to this, so I suggest you read it, as I have been doing this “review preview” thing for 7 years professionally and can tell you, half of us get jerked off and paid to say what we do. Now I am getting chump change here so I can say whatever I want, which is nice. So while you think you are getting unbiased journalism from major sites, nothing could be further from the truth. Someone at Capcom is most likely greasing someone up (or buying major ad space on site  which is the new way to do it) to keep us vapid writers saying this is classic Resident Evil when we all see it isn’t.

Are there herbs? Rumor is yes but no one has seen them. Combat? Rumor is yes but no one has seen it. A story involving a man named Wesker? Nope? there you go. Yeah, didn’t think so. RE this is not.

So everyone please stop saying this looks and plays like classic Resident Evil. That is like punching us in the stomach and telling us we are getting a handjob. Don’t lie to my face, or I will smear your shit, like I am doing right now. And one last thing, enough with the hide and seek horror games in first person filled with jump scares and no actual depth or story. If I wanted to run and hide I would steal your Mom’s purse.

At least I would get something out of that, literally.

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