Movies & Television

Three Fan-Favorite Ways Thanos Definitely Won’t Be Defeated

Superhero movies have become unfailingly serious. They went from the wildly campy world of Batman’s live-action television series to the growly, gravely-voiced masochism of the upcoming Avengers: Endgame. We can be sure Marvel has a dramatic, cathartic, satisfying ending in store. So here are three ways the film definitely, absolutely, will not end.

Ant-Man Will Not Fly Into Thanos’ Butt and Expand (Sadly)

Yes, it’s very funny to imagine Paul Rudd flying inside Josh Brolin’s butt, and he would surely fire off some whip-cracking quips. Yes, the memes hypothesizing the reaction of various members of the Avengers weren’t at all repetitive. Yes, he totally could blow up Thanos by flying into his butt. And honestly, that might be the funniest way to end the movie I can imagine.

It would utterly break the timeline! Like, can Ant-Man do a butt-bomb on every threat? Will the Avengers just get fat and lazy, farming all their work out to the equivalent of butthole diving garbage men in Ant-Man suits? Can anyone do it? What’s the training course like? It would be the single greatest revelation in the canon, bar NOTHING.

The very fact that it’s so far off the reservation is in fact what makes the idea funny. It’s anarchic and irreverent while still following the rules of the universe to a certain degree of plausibility. There’s no obvious reason why it wouldn’t immediately work, right? And if the Avengers are truly desperate, and if Ant-Man truly saves the day, then wouldn’t they think of such an attack?

But in the end, Disney isn’t going to allow “death by butt expansion” into one of their movies. Especially not the ones that adults like. So as much as a certain portion of the fandom might be calling for this ending—are they even really doing that?—we’re all likely to be disappointed. I mean, if God loves us, that is. Who knows, with this timeline. Maybe we’ve earned this ending.

Hawkeye Shoots Thanos in the Jewels

Hawkeye’s absence from the film was surely noted. He wasn’t even on the poster! It was like he had been fired from the Avengers unceremoniously, and the rest of the team had hastily redone all the company photos to exclude him. Like Hawkeye was so poorly loved among his coworkers that they all wordlessly understood the importance of retaking the family portrait without Clint even as the world was under attack from evil forces.

This does not, unfortunately, mean that Hawkeye is going to zoom in on an arrow and kill all the bad dudes dead. That would be like Black Widow solving the problem by herself. It’s why they’re pals: neither of them really make sense as a member of a team that includes a mighty morphin’ power ranger and a literal god. They might have the spirit, and Hawkeye is sure to be an important part of the team effort that eventually defeats Thanos. But he will not, and indeed cannot, do it alone.

But imagine the sheer hype if Hawkeye just 360 noscoped Thanos right in the nards from halfway across the world map. That would be righteous.

Loki Is Actually Bruce Banner For Some Reason

Hey, I don’t want Loki to be dead either. Tom Hiddleston has been hilarious in the role, and the whole gag with the self-congratulatory Greek play about Loki’s death in Ragnarok was honestly the funniest thing I’ve seen in a superhero movie. But that doesn’t mean he can be in the movies forever. Of course, it’s hard to let go. And Loki has survived before! But that doesn’t mean he’s coming back this time.

Of course, the big talk in the run-up to Infinity War was that “all deaths are permanent.” Your interpretation of that apparently straight-forward statement depends on your understanding of the word “deaths.” For example, we absolutely know Spider-Man and Black Panther are coming back from the soul stone. They are Marvel’s two biggest ticket items right now: they cannot and will not stay dusted. So some of the apparent deaths we saw were apparently not the permanent kind. This does hold out a branch of hope to fans of the Loki Lives theory. But it’s a spindly branch, and it won’t support the weight of even a moderately sized squirrel.

And even if it did, the idea that Loki morphed in the Hulk makes just about no sense. Is the Hulk dead somewhere, then? Where did the real Hulk go? Why is Loki continuing the pretend to be Bruce Banner? Doesn’t he have other things to do? Wouldn’t he trust the Avengers enough to tell them, instead of forcing the team to rely on a Hulk that he knows he cannot create? Loki might be a dick, but he’s a Chaotic Good kind of a dick. I can’t see him keeping this up for this long.

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