Movies & Television

Who is X-Force: A Brief History of Deadpool's Homies

I will admit, I am and have always been a geek. I am not one of those dudes with perfect hair who figured out geek stuff was in right now so I act into like I am into the ‘scene’. I was BORN like this. Solid proof. I am about to talk about X-Force, (who were name-dropped in the new Deadpool 2 trailer VERY MUCH hinting that Deadpool 2 is sort of X-Force movie prequel) and way back in 1991 when the first issue of that very comic came out (in its own sealed bag with trading cards inside for each different team member) I bought a ten copies, ten of which are still unopened. People called me insane and nerdy (which were and still are very much compliments to me) but to me, those were investments.

How so? I knew how cool all the X-Force characters were already and it was the height of Marvel’s 90’s comic madness, so I knew, just like with Batman in Detective Comics way back, if I locked down enough of these and even ONE of those characters gets HALF as big as Batman or Superman or the X-Men does across the next 25 years, I will have a comic collection that will one day buy me a Rolls Royce. And the best part, Deadpool (who is in X-Force) IS getting bigger and bigger. Granted, he is not even in Batman’s atmosphere yet, but he really potentially could be.

The first movie was THAT good and second looks THAT gooder (which is a word Deadpool would totes approve of me using). But what is even better is not only can I cash in on Deadpool’s fame, but his whole squad are gonna be landing their own movie and they will be first appearing FIRST in Deadpool 2, very soon. Which has many non life-long geeks wondering who the hell X-Force are. The X-Force Deadpool thing goes hand-in-hand and I can give you a quick inside course (we will call X-Force 101, which is not to be confused with X-Force issue #101) and it should give you some basic info so when you see these cats on screen (and yes, in the 90’s comic, one of them was an actual f*cking cat so I can say that) you will have a better understanding of them.

Also, quick heads up: this is an article about a movie about a comic about Deadpool, who is raunchy and violent and kinda horny, so I cannot promise you it will be safe for kids.

Who In the Flaming F*ck-Knuckles Are X-Force?

Whoa, whoa, you need to relax. I am over here trying to inform you and help educate you about the X Force Marvel brand and you are getting all wordy and demanding.

Oh, apparently I just wrote that first part. Sorry about the misunderstanding.

So X-Force are like, the kids who couldn’t make it to the top of the class because they like, wouldn’t wear the school uniform and conform to the lame standards set by other mutants and stuff. They also sometimes killed people and aren’t big fans of authority (so they are the James Dean of mutants, I guess). I would call them Marvel’s Suicide Squad, but yet, Suicide Squad are DC’s X-Force, so really, it creates this loop of circular logic that you can easily find yourself trapped in if you ate enough mushrooms and you start FREAKING OUT MAN, like, WHOA, who made who?

Here, this might help (us both):

So yeah, everything I just said, THAT is X-Force. A rag tag group of mutant miscreants who sometimes break the rules to MAKE THE RULES™! I just made that up but am gonna sell that slogan to Disney for $100,000,000,000,000.00 because those conglomerate bastards will not be happy until they have eaten us all ALIVE and made us chewy, meaty algorithms for the corporate machine.

What was I talking about again?

Oh yeah, Bea Arthur. Damn that woman is pure sex, dead or not!

So Who Is Your Daddy and What Does He Do?

Wait, that is not the right subheading title! That is an Arnold Schwarzenegger quote from Kindergarten Cop , my bad.

It should be called…

So Who Is in X-Force and What Do They Do?

There, that is MUCH better.

Well, X-Force, much like most of the teams on Marvel, kind of have a spinning door option, so the first X-Force team, consisting of mainly racial stereotypes and very cliched and one dimensional characters has kinda broken off into the dust of shit particles it deserves to be and evolved into something much cooler.

I mean, INITIALLY there was a giant Native American guy who they dressed up as a – wait for it kids, wait for it….Indian Chief. It only gets better/worse depending on your moral compass. His name was Warpath. If that does not reverberate racism in the burning belly you call your gut then I bet you don’t even have one.

A gut?

No, you read comics and stuff, I KNOW you have a gut. I meant a conscience. Sorry I didn’t make that more clear.

And as mentioned prior in this beautiful piece of free association, there was also a cat lady named (the originality here is so novel it will give you a bloody nose, be careful) Feral. Yes, Feral. That name makes fun of ITSELF, I don’t even need to roast it. Also, there was also a character named Boom Boom who I STILL have no idea what he did even though I have the first 50 issues of this comic book.

But there were a few REAL standout characters, three of which we know for a FACT are part of the team and/or are in the movie:

Deadpewl (yay false journalism, I can spell it that way because I have the powers of publishing behind me, and they are greater than any God’s power).

Domino (who I will spew about in a second, and then talk about a little. Hahaha, you thought the first part meant talk).

Cable (Think of him as that one Uncle you have who is SUPER serious all the time and kinda lame but you know he could f*ck up a bear in a fist fight. Think that and you kinda fully understand Cable immediately).

So Tell Us About Cable!!!

I just did. Are you people on drugs?

I did it in the last sentence before this paragraph and the tone in which you asked me seemed very demanding considering I provide a free service!

Well, Will You Tell Us About Domino?

Yes. See, all you had to do was ask me like a normal person instead of making demands, jeez.

So first of all, Hollywood did something I found VERY COOL for Deadpool 2 with Domino. In the book, she is donned in black leather, is white skinned and has black dots over her eyes. In the movie, they reversed it.

Her presence and ZENERGY™ (yes, I trademark all my best sh*t because I stay three steps ahead of that one guy who is two steps behind me yet one step ahead of the guy right behind him, ultimately making me four steps ahead of everyone, and if you know basic cosmic math, than you know everything I just said is the equation for a black hole based on vowels as the Fibonacci sequence) alone will ensure that Deadpool 2 will likely be one of my favorite movies of 2018, without question.

Okay, we can talk more about the fictitious character she portrays if it will make you all stop hitting me with sticks.

The best way to describe Domino is no bullsh*t, no drama, and lots of death. What can she do? She can kick ass REALLY WELL and she has the ability to sometimes take on aspects of her enemies or turn their own fears against them(or some sh*t like that) but the main thing is, she gets along rather well with Deadpool, sometimes (I totes won’t tell you how they eventually hook up because that will ruin the mirage of his marriage the film tries to keep us, so again, don’t even worry about THAT because I won’t EVER tell you what I just told you already, but I may have just made it all up to throw you off too, I am a complex and unique creature by design).

So Who Are The Other X-Force Characters On The Plane in the Trailer?

This is where it gets a little tough because so far, all we can really do is speculate, as the details have been few and far between and the reveal very recent. We clearly see Terry Crews on the plane (and he could be playing quite a few different characters, some think Hammer, some think Bishop from the X-Men series because he and Cable have a beef) while others are just happy to see that badass dude in the movie.

There is a chance one of the characters on the plane was an original X-Force character named Shatterstar ( the guy behind Terry Crews) but I really hope not for quite a few reasons, the main one being HE WAS NAMED SHATTERSTAR! That sounds more like the name of an 80’s pop band from Japan whose name was poorly translated by Google but they kept it anyway. But yeah, that looks like Shatterstar, meh.

And one thing we NEED to remember is that movies take great liberties with the books and fiction they borrow from, so really, they could be introducing us to a new X-Force team that works better on screen than a giant, racial stereotype and a guy whose name sounds like a glam metal band.

Nice Tonal Change From Black Panther (as Perfect as That Film Was)

In what is a complete 180 for the article and the part where I stop talking about X-Force, the other thing is, Black Panther (which just wiped the floor fiscally speaking) was a great film full of genuine pathos and Shakespearean levels of Faustian themes (see, I can sound like a real writer, too, it’s called bipolar, duh) and it feels like, as perfect as Black Panther was, Deadpool 2 will be the perfect cinematic follow-up that will leave our sides hurting from laughter as much as walking away from Black Panther put us a more into a quiet zen like state in between life and death where both we and all the universe became one infinite being and there was no longer a fear of death, but rather, a sort of rejoice in and acceptance of the concept, realizing there is more to this world than just what we see with our naked, human eyes.

HAHAHA, did you guys see that? Did you see how deep I just went on you?

You just got WRITER’d™!

Yes, I trademarked that expression, too. Some things you just can’t let the universe get its grubby hands on, know what I mean?

X-Force Deadpool and Incomplete Subheadi….

So as you see, wormholes, as vast and overwhelming as they can seem from the human perspective, are actually just giant space vagin…oh wait, came back to the wrong article.

So as you can see with your readballs that sit inside your skullface, Deadpool and X-Force very much go hand-in-hand, and the fact that the newest movie might just be a prequel to an X-Force movie has me all worked up.

R-Rated Comic Book Movies The World Needs Next…

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