The lack of creativity and intelligence in modern kids TV drives me nuts. I’m taking my revenge by collecting some of the dumbest kids show characters in one place — and they’ve all been zombified.
Not all kids TV is bad, mind you. It’s not a blanket statement. It’s just the majority of them that suck. For every smart, imaginative Phineas & Ferb or Martha Speaks, you’ve got twenty brainless, joyless Caillous or Little Einsteins.
Things are about to get all kinds of creepy, so if you’ve got a weak stomach or find this sort of thing offensive, turn back now.
Barney’s not as big of a deal on TV as he once was, but still… It’s Barney. He’s got it coming. [Image credit]
Dora the Explorer
Dora is one of the worst TV shows of all time. Why can’t kids learn Spanish without having their brains sucked out through their noses? Dumb characters that shout at the screen, everything is named after what it is (“Boots, Backpack, Tallest Mountain, etc.”), idiotic plots that my 3-year-old could outdo… And don’t even get me started on that godawful Map song. [Image credit]
Mickey Mouse Clubhouse
Save the flaming comments, Disneyphiles. I have no problem with Mickey in general. It’s the Disney Jr. show Mickey Mouse Clubhouse that makes me want to blow my brains out. On the whole, Mickey Mouse is a great character with a storied history, but Clubhouse neuters the little troublemaker with some studio exec’s idea of “safe entertainment,” reducing him to a happy-go-lucky CGI prop with a severe lack personality or anything at all that might make him the least bit interesting. The same goes for the show’s other characters, too. And for the love of all that’s good and holy, they need to stop letting Goofy sing. [Image credit]
There are so many things wrong with Hannah Montana, I don’t even know where to begin. Let’s start with the horrendous trend of live action tweener sitcoms. They’re trite, cliched, and they patronize their viewers — and they’re horribly acted! Most of this crap is owed to Disney’s success with Hannah. Kids deserve better than this kind of tripe, and parents deserve a far better role model for their little ones than Miley Cyrus turned out to be. [Image credit]
When your show is an insult to the intelligence of 3-year-olds… It’s bad. [Image credit]
This cheesy Voltron ripoff should have died a merciful death long ago, but somehow it’s still going strong, with loyal fans both young and old. How on earth anyone of any age could be a fan of this kitschy nonsense is just mind-boggling. Standards, people! You deserve better. Demand better from your (kids) shows! [Image credit]
I know, it’s way too easy to dump on the Teletubbies, and they’re hardly even on TV anymore. Honestly, I’d rather have included several other shows, but I was limited by the artwork I was able to find. But it’s not like the ‘Tubbies reputation is misplaced. [Image credit]
Yo Gabba Gabba
Yo Gabba Gabba looks like it’s filmed at a public access studio with costumes found at the Goodwill Store. The writing’s no better, but the real crime this show deposits on humanity is its music. It galls the crap out of me that Yo Gabba Gabba‘s creators say that one of the main reasons they created the show was because they thought modern kids shows deserved better music. Have you heard the annoyingly repetitive junk they sing and play? It’s like the world’s worst radio jingles put on repeat until you want to rip your arm off and throw it at the TV.
I couldn’t care less about their indie music cred. The show is just abysmal. Kids who watch it might as well be zombies. ‘Cause they sure ain’t gettin’ any smarter. [Image credit]